Saturday 25 May 2013

Crazy Beauty Pageant Moms by Kat

Ok, I understand that being from the south beauty pageants are a way of life, more important than food or education for your child. But these Mom's are some of the craziest bitches I have ever seen. The family may live in a trailer with no running water or electricity but that's just a little thing compared to buying that ultimate pageant dress for little Sugar Poo Poo. "We don't need water, we don't need power but we do absolutely HAVE to have that $6,000.00 dollar dress for the beauty pageant! What would the other Mom's think if we bought a used dress or worse yet didn't enter at all? The other 6 kids will just have to get over trekking through the mosquitoes at night to go outside to the bathroom and missing a few meals a week. After all it's really all about Sugar Poo Poo bringing home that crown!"

"Sparkle baby, sparkle" is often heard as the rally cry when a child is on stage and Mom is in the audience. WTF does that even mean? She isn't some magical fairy or a vampire from the Twilight series, I don't care how much you scream it at her she isn't going to sparkle. She is still going to be that little fat kid you dressed up in a $6,000.00 dollar dress, had some make up artist come in to do her tramp make up and pile her hair up on her head to heights higher than Tammy Faye Bakker ever dreamed of reaching. Sure she has fake fingernails, fake teeth and an artificial tan but do you really think no one is going to notice she is only a child and a fat one at that? Not a chance in hell, they are making fun of you Momma, right behind your back or on some blog somewhere.

Now, Sugar Poo Poo at this pageant is crabby, hateful and screaming that she wants to go home. Mostly because that expensive dress, fake eye lashes and sky high hair is itching her to death and she wants set free. What is Momma's solution to this problem? Pixie sticks and  Mountain Dew of course, if they can jack her up on Mountain Dew with 15 pixie sticks poured into it she will be numb and not feel the pain. I imagine much like a crack addict, give them enough crack and they don't feel anything or care what anyone is saying about them.

Then of course we always have some obese mother who thinks she is hiding standing in the audience doing the routine along with her child to help her remember her moves. Lady, people see you, your not hiding and it isn't pleasant to watch 300 pounds of fat imitate the pouty face or the Shirley Temple dimple move let alone the whole routine while screaming out "Sparkle baby, sparkle!"

You pay a couch to teach your child how to walk across the stage? If the child is so stupid it can't learn that alone then you just need to keep them home.

There is a bright side, once in a while one child gets jealous because another wins and either throws a fit or a massive crown take over breaks out with the winner tugging on one side and the loser tugging on the other side and while it's horrible these children act this way there is still something satisfying about watching it. But my favorite of all is the Momma of the loser, who stalks out yelling and cussing that the judging was rigged and they shouldn't have even come in the first place. I agree lady, you shouldn't  have come, you should have stayed home and let your child be a child.

Don't get me started on the little boys they stick in these pageants..........

8 comments:

  1. Ah, the Pageant. The only place where child prostitution is legal. I love how these mamas are preparing their daughters for a life out on the streets, just like the maternal pimps that they are.

    Pageant-
    Mama:Hey baby, just take these Pixie Sticks and you won't feel a thing.

    Life out on the streets-
    Mama:Hey baby, just shoot up this crack cocaine and you won't feel a thing.

    Gotta love those pageants.

    Joy

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    1. Maybe the little boys are being groomed to be the pimps. Hey, a pimps gotta look good.
      Kat

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  2. This coming from a Honey Boo Boo fan? Pahlease.

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    1. Why yes, yes it is. There is just something about Momma June's neck crust and forklift toe I can't resist.
      Kat

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    2. As long as it's her forklift toe and not her camel toe that you're fixated upon, then I suppose you can be forgive. Now excuse me while I go throw up my spleen at the image that I have just created for myself, with that sentence.

      Joy

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    3. Joy, how can you see the camel toe with her big ole' belly hanging down over it. Wonder how long it takes Sugar Bear with his tobacco stained face to find it?

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  3. That child needs a forklift for her toe. I'd rather see a toddler with a flapper than Boo Boo's mom's neck crust flapping every time she opens her mouth.

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    Replies
    1. And lets not forget her many lovely skin tags hanging out everywhere!

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