True story: My aunt Maymee, loves babies. To her, all babies are unique beauties in their own right, regardless of creed, colour or gender. And it matters not, whether they look like a cross between Benjamin Button, or a drowned rat, she will always have an "aww, oh how cute", tucked away for them in her otherwise limited vocabulary... Apart from this one child that is. A child so ugly, that the sun refused to shine when he was outside and the birds would fly South early, just to get escape the horror.
One day Aunt Maymee notices the child's mother, whom she hadn't seen in a while and approaches her to say hello. The kid, being all of a week old at the time, was too much of a temptation for Maymee, who promptly peeked into the pram, removed his blanket and said...not one word. Nothing. Nada. Zip. The pressure was beginning to mount as the child's mother waited patiently for the appropriate affirmation as to the cuteness of her child and still she could not think of a kind word to say. The mother, smile now beginning to droop slightly, became impatient and looked a little upset. Not wishing to offend, Aunt Maymee thought hard to think of the perfect compliment and as she leaned forward, a smile upon her lips, all she could utter were the immortal lines "aww, what a lovely...pram".
My point? Well ladies, I'm here to tell you that the chances that your newborn will most probably look like a cross between a skinned pig and a hairless monkey, are pretty high. Very rarely will you push out from your battered womb, a child so beautiful that they will look like they've been fashioned from the laps of the Gods. Butterflies will not dance around the halo above their squishy heads and deer will not frolic gaily beside their cot, because your child will be one ugly mofo.
So if you are reading this right now and you're pregnant, there will be no getting away from the fact that your precious will probably look a lot like Gollum. All you Mothers who put those cute little bows around the mane of your child, STOP IT! Look at her, she's as bald as a coot, why the hell does she need to wear a bow? To stop her baby fat from getting into her eyes?? And all you who insist on blinging em out like a toddler Mr T, why would you even think to draw attention to what amounts to be the Phllsbury Doughboy?
I hate lying but time and time again, I'm forced to chew through my tongue to stop myself from screaming, "On my god, it's hideous! Kill It. Kill it with fire!" Instead I have to endure the ache in my face as I smile down at your 9lbs of obesity and tell you how cute they are. Newborns are not cute! They are shriveled wrinkled prunes who look like deformed dwarves trying to chew their own faces off and as such, should be kept out of the public eye...like lepers, or Paris Hilton. Once the wrinkles have ironed themselves out and they no longer resemble Mr or Mrs Potato Head, you can then parade them around to your heart's content but not before. So please mums, keep your ugly wombruits to yourself, because isn't there enough horror in the world already?